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| It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured. I realised, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody, helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It doesn't sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it's all you've got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choices you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life.
-- Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts. | | |
| Can't contain;
my thoughts seep out like ink
onto the ground that lies before you.
Must restrain;
the thoughts that bleed like ink
staining the ground and the shoes you walk in.
Can't believe
its not working
bleach me..
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| Went bra shopping the other day, I'm now a 34D, I was 32 large C/ small D. ugh I hate being 34, 34 is fat. A 32D would be great but the pill has made my boobs too big to take the 32. oh. I'm also starting to dislike my "desirable" body. Part of me wants to cover it up, but part of me is scared if I do that that noone will even notice me. this kinda truth hurts. Yeah I feel like guys only see one thing when they look at me, sex. idk being blonde and having big tits has it negatives. Even with girls, I get some naaasty looks from girls just by entering a room or joining my mates(guys) and its like, if you knew me you'd know I was nice, a damn site nicer then you it would seem, so don't hate me cause of your insecurities. Maybe its just something I have to get used to. But I'm so young I still have years of this ahead of me. But I shouldn't whinge I guess. It leaves me feeling less valuable then other girls and it hurts. Especially as I don't even like my body the way it is.
I had ALOT of guys eyeing me up and trying to chat me up on friday, I felt dirty.
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| if you were to find a shattered mirror, find all the pieces, all the shards and all the tiny chips, and have whatever skill and patience it took to put all that broken glass back together so that is was complete once again, the restored mirror would still be spiderwebbed with cracks, it would still be a useless glued version of its former self, which could show only fragmented reflections of anyone looking into it. Some things are just beyond repair."~Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
Hate to say it but I could lose 20lbs and be happy. maybe happier but I know that is a red herring which seems to catch me out if I let it. One of the biggest lies I've ever told myself. But I'm starting to think my bodies alright, you know there are bits I hate but I guess its kinda shallow but I like my boobs the size they are(fucking D!) and it would seem I'm not alone.
Tho I went on my friends scale and it said I weighed 9lbs less then I thought I was, now that could be because I've lost weight or its wrong. I feel like its wrong, but idk if that just my natural instinct.
I think traveling after I finish my college course could be the best thing for me. It will teach me far more about the world, people and myself then uni ever would and to me they are more important then the kind've of knowledge I would obtain from uni. Its not about where you end up, its about how you get there.
Maybe I'll just go chew on my wrist until it bleeds all over the carpet. Maybe then you'll understand the true depth of how this eats away at me.
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| My eating disorder kind've subsided for a couple of months, but since halloween I've been fasting and restricting and binging and purging. This would be so much easier if it wasn't all so familiar.
In my most recent art project my theme is abuse: child abuse, physical, mental, emotional, sexual, abuse of power, animal abuse, self abuse, drug abuse, abuse of nature.
Here's the 1st piece:
My mouth hurts.
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